All the politicians running for office this year – and every year – regale us with speech after speech. Spellbound, the great unwashed – us helpless voters – hang on each and every word waiting to find what magic solution these prospective problem-solvers will enact once ensconced in office. Breathlessly we wait – hoping against hope – that finally, once and for all, some president/senator/legislator will solve all of our problems. And solve our problems they must because, and this is the real problem, they’ve convinced us that we are helpless. Well, if change is the mantra of 2008, here’s some change that you won’t hear – but should.
I’m Lucky Cambridge and I’m running for (fill in the blank). If it is change you want well, I’m your man. And the change that I think we need is a changed message. A changed message, that is, to you, the voters in my district. For too long, politician after politician has conned and convinced you that you are helpless. For too long, politician after politician has listened to your every gripe as if it is government’s job to ensure this trip called life is strife and struggle free. Well, I’m here to tell you life is tough – and then you die. It’s that simple. Oh, don’t get me wrong – life is wonderful – but it is overcoming the trials and tribulations of this gift that make living truly terrific.
For too long, you’ve bought hook, line, and sinker, the myriad problems you might have are because government has let you down. And, for too long, politician after politician has pandered to your pitiful plaintive, promising you that they will “do something about it”. Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to “do about it”– I’m going to tell you to suck it up.
I’m running for (fill in the blank) to make sure that the streets are plowed, the military is strong, the cops have what they need to catch the crooks, and the firemen show up when the shit hits the fan. I’m running to make sure that government does what it is supposed to do – and stays the hell out of what it is not. If you’re a venture capitalist, I’ll make sure that you have the investment resources to sink into your business – not through some grant program but rather by checking government’s greed it in the first place. And if you are one of the folks that bitches about “tax cuts for the rich” tough. Go get a job – the business owners are going to be hiring once we leave the money in the hands of these hard working people. What do you think they do with their dough – bury in the back yard in coffee cans?
Like many others running, I’ve met a number of people on the campaign trail. One guy came to me complaining about a $20 parking ticket he got while his wife was having heart surgery at Maine Medical Center. “Please help me”, he whimpered. How about this? Instead of tearing up over a ticket, hit your knees and thank whom every you believe in for the miracle of medicine making your wife’s very life possible. Ten years ago she’d be dead. Once she comes home you need help, you say? If you think some faceless faction of federal government can take care of her better than you can, I’ve got a piece of advice for her – file for divorce immediately – your husband’s not up to the task.
I’ve also run into many college students – you know, the “the future of our country” – they’ve told me the terrible toll student debt has taken on them. No government program solves this terrible toll in the way setting aside short-term gratification can. Loose the laptop. Pigeonhole the assumed privilege of driving a car. Peddle a bike and pitch the I-pod in the incinerator. Struggle to get by – if you can – Starbuckless. Get good grades and get a j-o-b. Work your way through school eating beans and hotdogs over a hotplate – it ain’t that bad – but if you decide to go into debt, pay it back yourself. And remember, there’ll be plenty of work out there once we “let” risk takers keep their money, so employment opportunity awaits you.
And speaking of the future – I love to talk about the bright horizons yet to break for the good old U.S.A. – let’s start recognizing those who keep their nose clean, become Eagle Scouts at 15, bust their butts for good grades in high school, and, all-in-all, live boring, productive lives. You know, it was just D-Day – the “Greatest Generation” – they grew up during the depression years, many of them collecting coal along railroad tracks so the family could heat the home. These are the types we should hold up as virtuous – not those who stay up all night surfing the net and, then exhausted from such physical stress, skip school to sunbathe on those same tracks only to loose a limb or two. They’re not idols – they’re idiots. And speaking of idiots, who ever propagated the notion that single motherhood is sacrosanct as sainthood should be taken out and spanked with a shalayle.
Do something about energy prices, you demand? Stop driving so much. Walk to work, or the store, or the lake. Get off your lazy ass. Put on a sweater or unhook the A.C. Who said it’s my job to provide you with every creature comfort you desire? Rest assured, however, I’ll work so the free flow of oil continues unimpeded from the actions of every tinhorn dictator on the globe. That’s right – I’ll do more than rattle our saber of military might making sure the lifeblood of our economy – oil – continues to flow free and be available. And the next time you wave a “No blood for oil” sign in my face, I’ll remind you it’s written in magic-marker (a petrochemical) and you drove to the protest in a gas powered vehicle. And we will drill for more oil – at least until we glut the market and drive prices down making the sucking of every last drop from that sand pile called Saudi Arabia economically sound once more.
Yes, it’s change you want and, it’s change you gonna get. A changed perspective. Stop acting the victim. Stop acting helpless. You’re not – you’re an American living in the most prosperous and rich country in the world. I know this because – like you – I’ve heard politician after politician tell me that, in the “richest country on earth everyone should have health care”. Well, they should. And you can do it! Instead of having the monthly bill for the four-wheeler, boat, greens fees, or cigarettes, go get a healthcare plan for your family. Dump the cable package and the Internet if having health insurance is so important. When you go without insurance in deference for those other things you drive up the cost because, despite what you’ve heard, if you get sick you get healthcare – and the price is passed on to the rest of us. In short – set your priorities.
Maybe it is not change you want or need but, rather, revolution. Revolution in its purest form is a return back to what once was. In little more than one-half century we’ve gone from the country that saved the world to a county of those pleading to be saved. We’re Americans, damn it! Government is of us, not for us. No entity of establishment can address your problems better than you yourself can. That’s not because government is hapless but because – as Americans – we’ve proven time and again that with real resolve no task is too arduous. For too long, politician after politician has gained your support after convincing you of your shortcomings. Well, I’m a human being just like you – warts and all – if I can do anything it is to make you wake up and reclaim your place as independent individuals. Individuals that need no government program ensuring you care for each other. When somebody gets sick, we plug away with them, bringing them meals and raising them money. When somebody is up against it, community comes together in ways that no elected official can ensure. Or at least that’s the way it used to be. That is, until we bought the idea we are helpless in the face of turmoil. I say no more and I ask you to say no more with me.
What I’m I going to do for you, you ask? I will throw it right back at you. I’m going to ask you to do something with me. Let’s reach into our collective purses, grab out those nuts that we all know are in there, show them to the world once more saying, in unison, “We’re Americans Jack, and we’ve got balls!”
Oh, one more thing.
I’m Lucky Cambridge and I’d appreciate your vote on November 4th.
