All the politicians running for office this year – and every year – regale us with speech after speech. Spellbound, the great unwashed – us helpless voters – hang on each and every word waiting to find what magic solution these prospective problem-solvers will enact once ensconced in office. Breathlessly we wait – hoping against hope – that finally, once and for all, some president/senator/legislator will solve all of our problems. And solve our problems they must because, and this is the real problem, they’ve convinced us that we are helpless. Well, if change is the mantra of 2008, here’s some change that you won’t hear – but should.

I’m Lucky Cambridge and I’m running for (fill in the blank). If it is change you want well, I’m your man. And the change that I think we need is a changed message. A changed message, that is, to you, the voters in my district. For too long, politician after politician has conned and convinced you that you are helpless. For too long, politician after politician has listened to your every gripe as if it is government’s job to ensure this trip called life is strife and struggle free. Well, I’m here to tell you life is tough – and then you die. It’s that simple. Oh, don’t get me wrong – life is wonderful – but it is overcoming the trials and tribulations of this gift that make living truly terrific.

For too long, you’ve bought hook, line, and sinker, the myriad problems you might have are because government has let you down. And, for too long, politician after politician has pandered to your pitiful plaintive, promising you that they will “do something about it”. Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to “do about it”– I’m going to tell you to suck it up.

I’m running for (fill in the blank) to make sure that the streets are plowed, the military is strong, the cops have what they need to catch the crooks, and the firemen show up when the shit hits the fan. I’m running to make sure that government does what it is supposed to do – and stays the hell out of what it is not. If you’re a venture capitalist, I’ll make sure that you have the investment resources to sink into your business – not through some grant program but rather by checking government’s greed it in the first place. And if you are one of the folks that bitches about “tax cuts for the rich” tough. Go get a job – the business owners are going to be hiring once we leave the money in the hands of these hard working people. What do you think they do with their dough – bury in the back yard in coffee cans?

Like many others running, I’ve met a number of people on the campaign trail. One guy came to me complaining about a $20 parking ticket he got while his wife was having heart surgery at Maine Medical Center. “Please help me”, he whimpered. How about this? Instead of tearing up over a ticket, hit your knees and thank whom every you believe in for the miracle of medicine making your wife’s very life possible. Ten years ago she’d be dead. Once she comes home you need help, you say? If you think some faceless faction of federal government can take care of her better than you can, I’ve got a piece of advice for her – file for divorce immediately – your husband’s not up to the task.

I’ve also run into many college students – you know, the “the future of our country” – they’ve told me the terrible toll student debt has taken on them. No government program solves this terrible toll in the way setting aside short-term gratification can. Loose the laptop. Pigeonhole the assumed privilege of driving a car. Peddle a bike and pitch the I-pod in the incinerator. Struggle to get by – if you can – Starbuckless. Get good grades and get a j-o-b. Work your way through school eating beans and hotdogs over a hotplate – it ain’t that bad – but if you decide to go into debt, pay it back yourself. And remember, there’ll be plenty of work out there once we “let” risk takers keep their money, so employment opportunity awaits you.

And speaking of the future – I love to talk about the bright horizons yet to break for the good old U.S.A. – let’s start recognizing those who keep their nose clean, become Eagle Scouts at 15, bust their butts for good grades in high school, and, all-in-all, live boring, productive lives. You know, it was just D-Day – the “Greatest Generation” – they grew up during the depression years, many of them collecting coal along railroad tracks so the family could heat the home. These are the types we should hold up as virtuous – not those who stay up all night surfing the net and, then exhausted from such physical stress, skip school to sunbathe on those same tracks only to loose a limb or two. They’re not idols – they’re idiots. And speaking of idiots, who ever propagated the notion that single motherhood is sacrosanct as sainthood should be taken out and spanked with a shalayle.

Do something about energy prices, you demand? Stop driving so much. Walk to work, or the store, or the lake. Get off your lazy ass. Put on a sweater or unhook the A.C. Who said it’s my job to provide you with every creature comfort you desire? Rest assured, however, I’ll work so the free flow of oil continues unimpeded from the actions of every tinhorn dictator on the globe. That’s right – I’ll do more than rattle our saber of military might making sure the lifeblood of our economy – oil – continues to flow free and be available. And the next time you wave a “No blood for oil” sign in my face, I’ll remind you it’s written in magic-marker (a petrochemical) and you drove to the protest in a gas powered vehicle. And we will drill for more oil – at least until we glut the market and drive prices down making the sucking of every last drop from that sand pile called Saudi Arabia economically sound once more.

Yes, it’s change you want and, it’s change you gonna get. A changed perspective. Stop acting the victim. Stop acting helpless. You’re not – you’re an American living in the most prosperous and rich country in the world. I know this because – like you – I’ve heard politician after politician tell me that, in the “richest country on earth everyone should have health care”. Well, they should. And you can do it! Instead of having the monthly bill for the four-wheeler, boat, greens fees, or cigarettes, go get a healthcare plan for your family. Dump the cable package and the Internet if having health insurance is so important. When you go without insurance in deference for those other things you drive up the cost because, despite what you’ve heard, if you get sick you get healthcare – and the price is passed on to the rest of us. In short – set your priorities.

Maybe it is not change you want or need but, rather, revolution. Revolution in its purest form is a return back to what once was. In little more than one-half century we’ve gone from the country that saved the world to a county of those pleading to be saved. We’re Americans, damn it! Government is of us, not for us. No entity of establishment can address your problems better than you yourself can. That’s not because government is hapless but because – as Americans – we’ve proven time and again that with real resolve no task is too arduous. For too long, politician after politician has gained your support after convincing you of your shortcomings. Well, I’m a human being just like you – warts and all – if I can do anything it is to make you wake up and reclaim your place as independent individuals. Individuals that need no government program ensuring you care for each other. When somebody gets sick, we plug away with them, bringing them meals and raising them money. When somebody is up against it, community comes together in ways that no elected official can ensure. Or at least that’s the way it used to be. That is, until we bought the idea we are helpless in the face of turmoil. I say no more and I ask you to say no more with me.

What I’m I going to do for you, you ask? I will throw it right back at you. I’m going to ask you to do something with me. Let’s reach into our collective purses, grab out those nuts that we all know are in there, show them to the world once more saying, in unison, “We’re Americans Jack, and we’ve got balls!”

Oh, one more thing.

I’m Lucky Cambridge and I’d appreciate your vote on November 4^th.

NOW FOR THIS COMMERCIAL! The Maine tradition of early political promos is well underway. All the 1^st District candidates – save one, Mr. Meister – have blessed us with electronic media. Republican and Democrat, radio and television, 7 out of the 8 are comin’ at us. Just too yummy not to comment.

Among the Democrats, Michael Brennan had the initial offering. A T.V. spot that, at first, looks to be an amateurish youtube skit – maybe because it is an amateurish youtube skit. Talk about the “Blair Brennan Project”. Just horrible.

Recently turned Democrat Adam Cote was next up on the box. The first time I saw it was immediately after “Brennan Head”. It was fantastic – kind of like how fantastic a hot shower is when you’re very dirty. One positive note about Cote’s ad – Adam avec eyeliner saves us from Michael’s Munjoy Masterpiece.

Chellie Pingree is sticking with what didn’t work in 2002 – the “I’m pissed off because somebody hit me in the forehead with a hatchet” gig. Girded with plenty of campaign cash, the Pingree camp contracts with high-level media production therefore using a camera slightly more sophisticated than a Brennan cell phone. Even though it’s evident that Cote’s 14-year-old niece had the day off from doing make-up, no amount of filler or base can hide that cleft sitting smack-dab in the middle of Chellie’s squash. One thing comes across – She’s still pissed off.

Next – Ethan – Julliard on the Bayside – the guy with one name, my main man Strimling is superb. Confidently he conveys to patrons of a local eatery just how much America sucks. “They’ve taken our pensions” he exhorts – “The Gulf War I’m for is between the rich and the rest of us”. Us? With hair like that, he ain’t of us. If you’ve seen Strimling’s act once, you’ve seen the full Monty. Old hat Ethan.

Mark Lawrence wants to impeach the President. At least I think he does. “I’m a D.A. blah, blah, blah…” He wants to bag Bush and notch another one on his prosecutorial bedpost. Not so fast Mister-rep-of-the-people. If you win – a very big if – you get sworn in right before W vacates the premises. It’s akin to spending a bunch of dough to evict a tenant who has already given notice and moved their stuff out. Thank you for playing Mark but, no dice.

Steve Meister apparently doesn’t want to play and, as of this writing, remains media-mute. Mike Brennan’s ad will certainly secure next-to-last place for Dr. Meister however.

Now Charlie and Dean over there to the right of your radio dial. Each has spots up on the AM stations – each attacking the other for various substantive issues. Charlie – just returned from distant battlefields – can’t order a coffee and bagel without invoking Iraq – which, in all candor, is his entire shtick. Team Dean is said to have a T.V. spot ready for release. Rumor has it that, if played backwards at ten-times speed on any 1980’s 8mm projector, it simply says, “Dutch is dead” over and over. Stay tuned on that one. In the meantime, Dean Scontras does attempt to trump the Summers’ tactic of wearing “Multinational Forces in Iraq” on his sleeve by attacking Charlie on the political battlefield. Near apoplectic over a vote cast in 1991, Dean hammers Charlie as a tax raiser. Summers slams back in a little tit-for-tat radio tiff that would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic. Dean did go negative first – clearly miffed at Summers’ superior height advantage (just kidding). Getting down and dirty hasn’t really worked all that well in Maine leaving us with the question “Will June 10^th be Scontras’ Waterloo?”

All in all, 8 very weak campaigns highlighted by 8 very weak multi-media productions. But what else could we expect? This is Maine – the way politics should be. And, come what may on June 10^th, in November we will have our habitually weak 1^st District Representative. Ah, tradition!

Ah yes, lightning struck the other night. You know, hot air, colliding with warm, as front rubs against front, out of nowhere, sudden and silky smooth, lightning struck. Crackling through the radio, as lightning often does, it forced me to amplify the AM dial in vain hope of sorting through the static. An electrical storm for sure – this electric event was no meteorological moment however – as the 6 candidates for the Democratic nomination for the 1^st Congressional District waged a war of tongue wagging on WGAN. So outlandish were their opinions even Ken and Mike sounded as journeyed sages when juxtaposed against these jokers.

The “Lightning Round”. Question 1: “Do you favor impeachment of President Bush and Dick Cheney?” Each allowed a one-word response – “yes”, “yes”, “YES” “er, ah, no”, “yes”, “waste of time” – in order, Chellie, Michael, Ethan, Adam, Mark, and Steve. The half-witted half dozen, from among this group is our next congressman. The more I listened the more I learned. Question 2: “Would you favor drilling in ANWAR?” A resounding “NO!” from each. Next question: “How would you lower fuel prices?” Each, according to his knowledge, to each, according to his needs, all of the super 6 said “institute a windfall profit tax of the oil companies”. Huh? Where did these guys go to school, the Marx Institute for Macroeconomics? Cutting supply and adding cost will lower prices? Politicians simply stating that they’d do these two things drive the futures market ever higher. All we can do is break out in that old refrain “Give me a drone who prefers the caribou roam, and we won’t be able to heat our home…”.

One blessing from my birthright as a kid raised on the farm is my inability – even after all these years since the family sold off the cows – to stay up much past 7pm. So, as I nodded towards sleep and away from the no nukes nuts, I found some solace in slumber. The next morning, however, I was awakened by another crowing coo-coo on the very same station.

Governor Baldacci – my buddy (I really do like him) – was doing a little piece on the slowing economy. “Congress must enact a second economic stimulus package!” he proclaimed. When pressed for details he laid it on us. “Extend unemployment benefits and increase food stamp entitlements”. If this were a singular event, I might have been able to start my day on a positive note but, after the proceeding night’s nay bobbing, I just couldn’t take it. Stimulate the economy by encouraging people not to work? Restart the housing market with more meal money?

When it comes to some things, I aren’t the brightest bulb going, but when it comes to turning this boat in the right direction, these boobs know bubkus.

Did Lucky strike out with this one? Make your Maine Point and contact Lucky Cambridge at Lucky@maine.rr.com.

The leaves are popping out, the sun is shining and, yes, those lovely spring visitors – blackflies, not tourists – are back in force. Ah, spring in Maine. And, what really makes this time of year so warm and refreshing as we sit in the rays of old sol, is the posturing of prospective pols – those among us who seek higher office. Yes, I know, they are putting it out there – seeking to serve whether at the state or federal level – candidates galore grip and greet and, in many cases, debate and debase, all the while hurtling headlong towards election day. But I don’t want to talk about them. I want to talk about us.

Us. The electorate. The great “unwashed”. The people that Will Rogers said “Went to Washington to check on the hired help”. The polis – the “people” – as the Romans and the Greeks called us. After attending debates and forums – Republican and Democrat alike – I’ve come to the conclusion that too many of “us” are absolutists. Too many are “all or nothing” types. And guess what? If you – or any of us – are unwilling to accept anything less than 100% of the loaf, be prepared to slap that sandwich meat between bare hands.

“But wait! But wait!” you might say. That’s right, standing one’s ground is a time honored tradition in Maine. Just ask some of the Republican stalwarts who I’ve encountered at various forums. It’s all or nothing – no wiggle room for them – it doesn’t matter if they’ve agreed with a particular candidate or office holder 80% of the time. It is the other 20% they want to carp about. “Tax cuts – we don’t care – what about gay marriage?”And just to show how bipartisan I am, let’s not forget the Democrats. So absolute is their hate for George Bush that they accept anything – from the sublime to the ridiculous – as fact, so long as it is anti “W”. From “9-11” Truthers to disciples of Dobson, the tripe these troops peddle is pure pooh-pooh. It’s a free country and, hey, you can think what ever you want. You can engage in interlocution till your heart’s desire. That’s not the bone I want to pick with the pee-brains of political posturing.

All or nothing types get either one – all or nothing – and it is usually nothing. And that’s the way they want it. The worse thing you can do for the absolutist is solve their problem because, then, they’ve got to come up with a new one. Work towards productive change? Not them. Pitch in and help steer the ship of state? No way. It’s all or nothing and, until they get 100% of the loaf, they’ll just sit on their hands. Oh, they’ll pull them out once and awhile to type some caustic thread or raise them in a meeting to hit whatever piñata is up there before them. But nothing more.

Here’s a tip for all those who boldly stand their ground – proudly proclaiming their position of superior stature above those actually doing the challenging chore of change.

If you won’t settle for anything but the whole loaf, get off your tukus, stop your bitching, and get into the bakery.